Well, obviously you didn't want it enough. Remember that moment we had in your parents' guest room? You looked at me with such intensity and said, "You have no idea...You have no idea..." What did you mean by that? That I had no idea how much you were going to end up hurting me? What was it that you were feeling for me at that moment, and how could everything have just collapsed in such a short time? Obviously there are a lot of unresolved issues here. I'm trying to make this break as clean and as bloodless as possible, but who am I kidding? I have been processing everything these past few weeks, and now all the rawness is coming to the surface. . . .
Deep inside, beneath the anger, beneath the resentment, there is love. Love and gratitude. Love and gratitude and sadness. You have fanned the fires of transformation in my life, as the yogis would say. And that is a real gift. Getting laid off was one thing; you have broken me completely, and now I'm truly wide open to the world.
I don't think I'll be in *** for much longer. I'm seriously considering moving out to the *** once my lease runs up in April. Gotta get crackin' on that driver's license! You know how I feel: My heart yearns for space, for community, for connection. For a brief moment--when you told me about wanting to explore *** with me and we searched for yoga studios in *** after looking at your school's Web site--I thought that that was something I could've had with you down the road. Guess that wasn't meant to be. But maybe we will help each other to get to where we have to go, as you pointed out. Maybe we already have. . . .
I can't lie to myself. Especially not about you. I am mourning the loss of what I thought we had, ***. Every day. I miss you more than you can imagine, and it breaks my heart to hear you say that you miss me too, but it also frustrates me to no end.
I don't know who I am to you, what I represent to you. Maybe one day it'll all make sense. Right now I feel powerless, mostly because what I feel for you is still so powerful.
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I know these feelings very well, having experienced them all in the span of a year... the pain still lingers, but the world still turns. And day by day, piece by piece, I let go.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of fanning the fires of transformation in life. If there's anything I have learned in my 31 years on this earth, it's that the hurt and the raw, emotional depths of a breakup can often take us to places we never imagined possible, both good and bad. It's in these darkest moments that we learn the most about ourselves and what we want out of life.