FWD: guilty toast and such

You said you wanted me to write you an email. Well, actually you said, "You could write me an email," which I will interpret to mean that you would like me to write you an email. I just can't promise that it will be cohesive or interesting. I am tired, too.

Here's the question of the month: Why do I walk around feeling guilty ALL THE TIME?! I just made myself a piece of sprouted grain toast with Earth Balance "buttery spread." I have this sense that somebody is watching me, following my movements approving or disapporoving - ready to hop out and scold me for putting on too much buttery spread or eating toast at 11pm when I am hungry. Then I realized, hey, I am a grown up. I paid for this bread. I paid for this butter. It's my time. I can eat however the fuck much toast I want to. In fact, I might even have a second piece! So, what's with the internal police officer?

Do you ever imagine that someone is watching you do the most mundane of things and approving or disapproving? flipping on a light switch? washing your hands? checking to see if the door is locked? getting dressed to go to the gym? Am I alone in doing this? (It's okay if I am, I just want to know if this is my own funny little behavior or if it's universal. By the way this is not a rhetorical question. Please write me back or talk to me about it.)

Random flashback to 4th grade PE: Mr. Jenkins said that we didn't own anything. Nothing was ours. Everything belonged to our parents. The toys we played with, the clothes on our back, everything. Nothing actually belonged to us. Not to mention that if we watched "The Simpsons" we might end up in jail later in life... Wierdo.

I am not well. I look in the mirror and I see dark circles under eyes, sad lines, blotchy patches of stress. I look and I see my mother. In every expression. In every pore. In every hair follicle. I want to exorcise her from my body, from my soul, my mind. I know that women patch things up with their moms sooner or later, but I just think: "What do I have to gain form it?" I don't like her. I am willing to accept that it is my duty to love her, but it's impossible to like someone if you just don't godamn like that someone. What am I supposed to do?! I am dreading Saturday. The last thing I want is for her to be closer to me in proximity, when I already feel her shadow invading my every day.

I do actually want to have serious conversation with her, but I can't do it with her husband here and I can't do it over the phone and it would be rude to spoil what she thinks of as a nice vacation - so what, when? You know that she's the only person that I have ever wanted to hurt? Like, physically and emotionally hurt. I had a dream about screaming at her the other night. (this is not a first) Screaming myself silly, saying everything in exactly the perfect way, in the perfect words, the perfect tenor to my voice. I am a very forgiving person - sometimes to my own detriment - but I can't force myself to forgive her. I guess just...more time...and timing...

I don't think you really like to hear about this stuff. I know I need to address it sooner or later and I am not afraid of doing that. It's just...timing. I am still too eager to hurt her to have a successful conversation - and what's worse is that I know exactly how to hurt her. I don't actually in good conscience want to do that - but I just might given the chance - so I just need more time. I need to feel ready. I reached that point of readiness with my dad and it has been delightful ever since. I am just not there yet with her, please forgive me.

Night is rarely my friend on this island. You wanted an email. That's all I got for now. I am tired. I want my kitty. I want my you. I just want to be at peace for a night. I hope I'll sleep after all the toast and wine.

Write me back in the morning please?