FWD: untitled

Okay, I'd love to talk to you beforehand. I would like to discuss what happened in an open and forgiving way, and I hope that we can both do some shadow work here. I also had a lot of trust issues with you. What I did (reading your journal) while involved with you was an extension of my own innate trust issues as well as trust issues I had at an increasing rate with you... and my own intuitions. Additionally the emails were read because they were left open on my computer. I'm sorry that I happened to see them. There was no content to them, just a memo of a dating site. I feel that we probably shouldn't have been involved with one another intimately at all the Summer you came back, at least not at the rate we were going without a solid trust based friendship. I not only went against my own intuition and will, but I was trying to determine if it was also against your own intuition and will in a dysfunctional fear based way....because I was unwilling to make my own choices with a fair share of rationality and intuition. So yeah, that's my side of the situation. And I take responsibility for that.

In terms of any current trust issues you have resulting from diary reading or me seeing your email open, that's not something I would do at this point. There would be no reason for that as there's nothing I would want to know... and even if there was I am not afraid to ask directly for the information. I am sorry that I was weak minded and didn't wait for you to come home. It was never something that I was plotting, but a very spontaneous action that resulted based on me seeing the owl card on your floor...and drawing a card again after shuffling and having it been the same card. I agree that this is not a valid response to drawing such a card and I apologize.

I don't even think I was as upset about what I read as I was about the whole dynamic of what we had. I just really realized I wanted to be free of everything... and free of my own mind's association with you as a partner as well. And I think everything...worked out relatively well for us both in the end...even though it took some thoughtless utter darkening of the light to get there. I'm not justifying my actions, but just placing them in a context and also reminding you that my actions did allow you to let go of me so you could enjoy your presence and your new ventures and meet another wonderful person. (-: Think how more tricky it could have been.

What I was most upset about was that I always felt that in your mind I was only a potential...or an option for you when to me you were a primary relationship that I wanted to develop deeper and to commit to. I think that it was a dysfunctional dynamic...and one that we both created. One of us is not free from responsibility there. The continuation of the dynamic was what brought our downfall as our dysfunctional shadows came to manipulate one another in dysfunction ways.

With this sort of shadow work out of the way... I feel I'm a place where this can't happen anymore. I am in a place where this has actually benefited me a lot because I've come to realize that I have been in both roles many times, particularly in the role of someone who's involved with someone as an option or someone to be involved with because I have a sexual or emotional desire yet not a desire to partner with them. I do feel that perhaps there are situations where it's okay to have a non partnering relationship but that those are few and far between and must be between two highly mutual individuals with a strong sense of trust and what we were together hadn't come to that point. We tried to jump the gun and missed the mark entirely and became a codependent relationship. I've come to a place where I will not do this to anyone, and I thank you and Andrew for this little piece of self actualization. With that said... and kept in mind, it makes it easier for me to really understand you and your dynamic within the relationship that we had.

Hope you understand. I just want to get this off my chest and than all will be within the laws of potentiality. (-: Yes this is all in the past now, however I believe time to all be interconnected and multidimensional in relation to our consciousness. I want to be present with you, but I do think we need to look at the dynamics for what we were and say... "hey, that won't happen again. I won't be in either of those roles." Not so much for you and I, but all relationships in general.at least that's what I take of it.
Love ***

FWD: closure...you can read or not read, I just need to put this out there.

Dear ****,

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I usually just push the thoughts away or try and distract myself from them. Lately, I've been trying to consider why they are still coming up. I think it was because we never really had closure. We went back and forth after we broke up, and I think that really messed with my head.
Originally I broke up with you for three main reasons: You and my family don't get along. I don't think you are financially responsible. You couldn't see yourself in Virginia.
So, that was really hard because those reasons may logistically be "deal breakers" but my heart was completely dedicated to you.
We continued hanging out and went back and forth with our intentions. Things got a little weird after that. We were both talking to other people, and I was honest with you the whole time. Yeah, I did some shitty stuff, but I told you. I felt like you were extremely shady. I always had a feeling you were talking to other girls. You always erased all of your messages (text, e-mail, etc.) like you were hiding something. I confronted you a couple times, just asking you to be truthful with me, and you always denied talking/hooking up with anyone else. The last time we spoke you said we should get back together (completely pulling my heart strings because that's all I wanted all along) and then you admitted to talking to another girl in Canada. AND you were going to fly out to see her. Ouch. I was really hurt. And, I feel really guilty because what was also going through my head was money stuff. I was outraged that you would pay for a plane ticket to see HER when my dad was helping you pay for school and god knows what else. I felt like you were directly stealing/cheating me.
Then come to find out, you dropped out of school. wtf.
I just feel like all of our time together was a waste. I have amazing memories of us but they are sadly tarnished. I went camping with *** and ******* shortly after that last time we hung out (where I ran away crying and you never stopped me). We were sitting around the fire and ******* asked about you. I told her the story and she was like "well, fuck him, he cheated on you anyways!". Apparently you told her that last Christmas, and she never told me until then. weird. And you never told me. Ugh. I don't know. I was super pissed at first and wanted to confront you about it, then I talked to my mom and she convinced me not to and to "just let it go". I tried, but I think it is hurting me more than doing any good.
I just wanted to put this stuff out there to get a little closure. You meant the world to me. We were supposed to grow old together and sit on the same side of the booth holding hands forever. I know I broke your heart and I'm so sorry. I don't want this to come out mean or angry, this was just my perception of the last year or so. I loved you so much and would never want to hurt you.
You don't have to answer this if you don't want to. We don't need to be friends and you have no obligations to me. This was really hurting me and I needed to get it out so that I may learn from this experience and be able to truly have positive and healthy relationships in the future.
I wish that for you as well.

With love,
*****

FWD: appreciations, part 2

My courageous friend,

I like that emails help shorten the distance between us.

I like that I can read your email to me or to the whole massage group
and know with great certainty that living with an open heart is not
just something we talk about. I like feeling inspired by you.

I do not like wearing wool socks knowing that just a few days ago we
were jumping in the ocean.

I like your empty moments photo documentary. Although I want to
remind you, given the tendency of your mala beads to stain clothing,
maybe not the best idea to put them in your mouth.

I miss hearing your whole body laugh.

I like how you are sensitive to pain in the world and equally able to
source so much beauty out of it.

I like reading you poems. I might have a great idea. More on this later.

I like writing appreciations with you. It makes writing feel more alive.

The only thing I don't like is knowing how limited my words will
eventually become in translating what I appreciate, especially about
you. ***, if we were in the same place, I would eventually take
all my words describing your beauty and safety and I would surrender
them. And I would kiss you. If we were in the same place, I would
accept Oriah's Invitation to risk looking like a fool, for love, for
the adventure of being alive, and I would kiss you to tell you all the
things that words can't. But, of course, we are not in the same
place. And without knowing exactly when I'll see you again, this
email will have to serve as a poor substitute for looking like a fool
in person.

I like knowing that, if we were in the same place, and you didn't kiss
me back, I would still think the world of you.

: )

***, I hope this email finds you at peace along your journey. And
know that you are being held even from a few thousand miles away.

Until tomorrow,

***

the intention

This is a community art project, an archive of anonymous emails that exemplify moments of courageous, risky, raw, emotional expression.

Whenever we take a risk, and act from the heart, we inevitably inspire others to do the same. Sometimes these heartfelt actions are in the form of an email - to a partner, friend, coworker, enemy, anyone. This blog is a forum for people to share and read these type of emails - to inspire and be inspired.

How to contribute:

1. Find an email you've written that is bursting with life
2. Make it anonymous - replace any names or places with asterisks (*)
3. Leave the rest completely unedited
4. Forward it and I'll post it!

the name

The soul within the individual souls
loves the one who runs and falls down
more than the one who sits and watches.

- Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks