Hey there,
I see that you are coming to *** tonight. This is stating the obvious, but this will be our first interaction in a long time. I wish I could say that I'm excited to see you but, to be honest, I'm predicting it will mostly be uncomfortable instead. And again, maybe I'm stating the obvious, but this is why: I have a hard time understanding why we're not really friends anymore.
What is prompting this message is that I have a hard time not speaking when something is on my mind. This is especially true these last few weeks - I have been feeling more present, aware, and introspective than usual, so my emotions don’t have to travel far to get to the surface. It keeps things exciting.
So...here we are. I’ll be seeing you soon and, seeing how we haven’t really spoken since ***, I expect it will be awkward. For me, at least. Is it safe to say you feel this too? I mean, we used to find time to periodically catch up over tea and now we barely make eye contact in the *** hallway. And maybe this OK with you. For me, it sucks.
I don’t mean for this message to be an attempt to return things to the way they were before we dated. To be honest, I think that would be overshooting it. I’d be happy with seeing you randomly and just having it be comfortable. Hell, if we accidentally started having an active friendship, even better. But to be painfully honest, I've learned to not expect too much. Any time I've communicated over the last several months, your response has been polite but never encouraging of more conversation. So I stopped communicating and tried to let it go. Apparently, I’m not very good at that. What is lingering for me is this question of why - why aren’t we really friends anymore? Maybe asking this question won’t actually change anything on the outside. Maybe answering this question isn’t as important as me just saying it out loud. Maybe, like a cathartic journal entry, I just need to say, “Hey, this is what is going on for me.”
Perhaps this is naive of me, but I am of the line of thinking that the discomfort we feel after breaking up with someone, especially if friendship precludes the romance, is very small compared to the caring connection that underlies all of it. This has certainly been my experience of relationship the last few years: we feel discomfort - sadness, anger, frustration, etc. - and then, eventually, it goes away. What is left is still a larger sense of caring and, in my experience, the friendship is often closer and more authentic than when it started. I - optimistically - thought that would happen with you and me. I even thought it would be relatively easy. But here we are.
So this is what is going on for me. Seeing how this morphed into a cathartic journal entry rather than a message to you, I would be grateful - and certainly curious - to get a response but I am also grateful to just be heard. Knowing how emotionally vocal I’ve been feeling, I think it would be difficult to see you tonight and not have an opportunity to share some of this. So whatever happens will happen. Discomfort will be discomfort and life will continue to be emotional, unpredictable, and highly amusing.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. Truly grateful. And know that, even among a tangled mix of discomfort, I can often still tap into the underlying sense of caring.
***
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
FWD: "You are alive, and that is the only place you need to be to start." - Carrie Rainey
Dear ***,
I’m having difficulty starting this. I had a feeling that there would be a new blog posted, so having just read the latest, I am letting your words sink in. I like that you are so self-aware, so thoughtful, so honest. It is inspiring, and in my own strive to be authentic, both to myself and to others, I felt compelled to write.
I understand your frustration. Last night I said that I felt we were in the same place emotionally, though it is quite clear now that we have very different perspectives. When we made the decision to take some time before seeing each other again, the reality of this to me meant: take the time we need to work through our current stuff, go about our lives, maintain contact with each other, and see where we are at when we do meet again. In my mind, casually dating does not interfere with this. It would be completely different if you were here and we were actually in a relationship. To decide to limit myself and not date anyone for this extended period of time seems frustrating when we aren’t in that place yet. I guess I see something with amazing potential, and have hopes, but also realize that it isn’t something to pursue right now.
Maybe it would help to explain my current situation, of where I am at. I spent my entire 20s in a series of long, committed, serious relationships. I can look back now and see that all of my choices were based on what didn’t work in the previous relationship. Although I made progressively better choices for myself, in all 3 relationships I did the same thing: jumped in very quickly and became immediately consumed. I lived with all 3 guys for long periods of time, and only years into the relationships did I realize that it wasn’t what I wanted anymore. So I left, only to promptly find someone else to lose myself in. This is not to say that I have any regrets. I can look back on all of this as amazing, valuable, and worthwhile experiences. The downside of it is that I have spent the last 10 years relying on others to love me. So I am in this place now of still figuring out how to love myself.
Loving others has always been easy for me. I am open hearted, accepting, and see the best in other people. My critical and judgmental side is mostly turned inwards. I realized this a few years ago while I was volunteering at *. Within a few months, I felt I outgrew my life, and wanted something different. All of that led to my desire to move, which was not an easy process. I left the job that I had been comfortable in for over 5 years, the group of friends that had taken so long to feel connected to, and the relationship that I had been in for nearly 4 years. That part was the most difficult, because it was the first healthy, loving relationship I had decided to leave. It was also the first time I had intended to be single in my whole adult life. At times, being single has felt so liberating, and at others, so empty and alone. I wholeheartedly agree that one should view a relationship as a gift and not a necessity. I, too, am in the process of getting this. So the last 8 months has been an amazing experience of ups and downs. When I moved, I made a conscious choice to start doing some things differently. I am striving to accept all of the feelings that come up, and am slowly I am getting to be more at ease with it. It has been surprising and refreshing to be able to date people without becoming completely consumed. This is the first time in my life I have really done that. And perhaps this is why the past week has been exhilarating and at the same time so stressful….because once I realized the intensity of my feelings for you, I started to become consumed once again. I thought about you the entire drive back here. I thought about how easy our interactions were, about your quirky sense of humor and your realness, about how you are unassuming and sexy all at once, about how we talked for hours about deep and meaningful things and also managed to laugh so much and so easily. I thought about the moment when you took my hand, when we first kissed. I thought about how connected I felt to you, started visualizing what a life could look like together. I let myself get lost in this.
One thing that I do when I am feeling muddled is to ask myself: what do I want? At times, I find that I have to ask the question over and over. But it helps me find some clarity. So I think, what I want is to do my best to let go of any expectations. I want to hold on to the belief that there was a purpose in our meeting. I want to be patient, to have faith that everything will fall into place as it is meant to be.
In the midst of this work that I am doing, and you, in the midst of your own courageous work, I would love it if we could keep communicating. Maybe we could talk once a week, if that feels right to you.
Creating a new path is brave and messy work….I long to be graceful, but the reality is, I just keep stumbling. Try to forgive the stumbling. And please know that I am incredibly grateful that you are suddenly in my life.
With love,
***
p.s. one more quote:
“The waves echo behind me. Patience…faith…openness...is what the sea has to teach. Simplicity…solitude…intermittency…but there are other beaches to explore. There are more shells to find. This is only the beginning.” –Anne Morrow Lindbergh
p.p.s. Just so you know, I haven’t written a long, rambling, soul bearing letter to anyone in quite some time either, which means….you are special too.
I’m having difficulty starting this. I had a feeling that there would be a new blog posted, so having just read the latest, I am letting your words sink in. I like that you are so self-aware, so thoughtful, so honest. It is inspiring, and in my own strive to be authentic, both to myself and to others, I felt compelled to write.
I understand your frustration. Last night I said that I felt we were in the same place emotionally, though it is quite clear now that we have very different perspectives. When we made the decision to take some time before seeing each other again, the reality of this to me meant: take the time we need to work through our current stuff, go about our lives, maintain contact with each other, and see where we are at when we do meet again. In my mind, casually dating does not interfere with this. It would be completely different if you were here and we were actually in a relationship. To decide to limit myself and not date anyone for this extended period of time seems frustrating when we aren’t in that place yet. I guess I see something with amazing potential, and have hopes, but also realize that it isn’t something to pursue right now.
Maybe it would help to explain my current situation, of where I am at. I spent my entire 20s in a series of long, committed, serious relationships. I can look back now and see that all of my choices were based on what didn’t work in the previous relationship. Although I made progressively better choices for myself, in all 3 relationships I did the same thing: jumped in very quickly and became immediately consumed. I lived with all 3 guys for long periods of time, and only years into the relationships did I realize that it wasn’t what I wanted anymore. So I left, only to promptly find someone else to lose myself in. This is not to say that I have any regrets. I can look back on all of this as amazing, valuable, and worthwhile experiences. The downside of it is that I have spent the last 10 years relying on others to love me. So I am in this place now of still figuring out how to love myself.
Loving others has always been easy for me. I am open hearted, accepting, and see the best in other people. My critical and judgmental side is mostly turned inwards. I realized this a few years ago while I was volunteering at *. Within a few months, I felt I outgrew my life, and wanted something different. All of that led to my desire to move, which was not an easy process. I left the job that I had been comfortable in for over 5 years, the group of friends that had taken so long to feel connected to, and the relationship that I had been in for nearly 4 years. That part was the most difficult, because it was the first healthy, loving relationship I had decided to leave. It was also the first time I had intended to be single in my whole adult life. At times, being single has felt so liberating, and at others, so empty and alone. I wholeheartedly agree that one should view a relationship as a gift and not a necessity. I, too, am in the process of getting this. So the last 8 months has been an amazing experience of ups and downs. When I moved, I made a conscious choice to start doing some things differently. I am striving to accept all of the feelings that come up, and am slowly I am getting to be more at ease with it. It has been surprising and refreshing to be able to date people without becoming completely consumed. This is the first time in my life I have really done that. And perhaps this is why the past week has been exhilarating and at the same time so stressful….because once I realized the intensity of my feelings for you, I started to become consumed once again. I thought about you the entire drive back here. I thought about how easy our interactions were, about your quirky sense of humor and your realness, about how you are unassuming and sexy all at once, about how we talked for hours about deep and meaningful things and also managed to laugh so much and so easily. I thought about the moment when you took my hand, when we first kissed. I thought about how connected I felt to you, started visualizing what a life could look like together. I let myself get lost in this.
One thing that I do when I am feeling muddled is to ask myself: what do I want? At times, I find that I have to ask the question over and over. But it helps me find some clarity. So I think, what I want is to do my best to let go of any expectations. I want to hold on to the belief that there was a purpose in our meeting. I want to be patient, to have faith that everything will fall into place as it is meant to be.
In the midst of this work that I am doing, and you, in the midst of your own courageous work, I would love it if we could keep communicating. Maybe we could talk once a week, if that feels right to you.
Creating a new path is brave and messy work….I long to be graceful, but the reality is, I just keep stumbling. Try to forgive the stumbling. And please know that I am incredibly grateful that you are suddenly in my life.
With love,
***
p.s. one more quote:
“The waves echo behind me. Patience…faith…openness...is what the sea has to teach. Simplicity…solitude…intermittency…but there are other beaches to explore. There are more shells to find. This is only the beginning.” –Anne Morrow Lindbergh
p.p.s. Just so you know, I haven’t written a long, rambling, soul bearing letter to anyone in quite some time either, which means….you are special too.
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