FWD: "You are alive, and that is the only place you need to be to start." - Carrie Rainey

Dear ***,

I’m having difficulty starting this. I had a feeling that there would be a new blog posted, so having just read the latest, I am letting your words sink in. I like that you are so self-aware, so thoughtful, so honest. It is inspiring, and in my own strive to be authentic, both to myself and to others, I felt compelled to write.

I understand your frustration. Last night I said that I felt we were in the same place emotionally, though it is quite clear now that we have very different perspectives. When we made the decision to take some time before seeing each other again, the reality of this to me meant: take the time we need to work through our current stuff, go about our lives, maintain contact with each other, and see where we are at when we do meet again. In my mind, casually dating does not interfere with this. It would be completely different if you were here and we were actually in a relationship. To decide to limit myself and not date anyone for this extended period of time seems frustrating when we aren’t in that place yet. I guess I see something with amazing potential, and have hopes, but also realize that it isn’t something to pursue right now.

Maybe it would help to explain my current situation, of where I am at. I spent my entire 20s in a series of long, committed, serious relationships. I can look back now and see that all of my choices were based on what didn’t work in the previous relationship. Although I made progressively better choices for myself, in all 3 relationships I did the same thing: jumped in very quickly and became immediately consumed. I lived with all 3 guys for long periods of time, and only years into the relationships did I realize that it wasn’t what I wanted anymore. So I left, only to promptly find someone else to lose myself in. This is not to say that I have any regrets. I can look back on all of this as amazing, valuable, and worthwhile experiences. The downside of it is that I have spent the last 10 years relying on others to love me. So I am in this place now of still figuring out how to love myself.

Loving others has always been easy for me. I am open hearted, accepting, and see the best in other people. My critical and judgmental side is mostly turned inwards. I realized this a few years ago while I was volunteering at *. Within a few months, I felt I outgrew my life, and wanted something different. All of that led to my desire to move, which was not an easy process. I left the job that I had been comfortable in for over 5 years, the group of friends that had taken so long to feel connected to, and the relationship that I had been in for nearly 4 years. That part was the most difficult, because it was the first healthy, loving relationship I had decided to leave. It was also the first time I had intended to be single in my whole adult life. At times, being single has felt so liberating, and at others, so empty and alone. I wholeheartedly agree that one should view a relationship as a gift and not a necessity. I, too, am in the process of getting this. So the last 8 months has been an amazing experience of ups and downs. When I moved, I made a conscious choice to start doing some things differently. I am striving to accept all of the feelings that come up, and am slowly I am getting to be more at ease with it. It has been surprising and refreshing to be able to date people without becoming completely consumed. This is the first time in my life I have really done that. And perhaps this is why the past week has been exhilarating and at the same time so stressful….because once I realized the intensity of my feelings for you, I started to become consumed once again. I thought about you the entire drive back here. I thought about how easy our interactions were, about your quirky sense of humor and your realness, about how you are unassuming and sexy all at once, about how we talked for hours about deep and meaningful things and also managed to laugh so much and so easily. I thought about the moment when you took my hand, when we first kissed. I thought about how connected I felt to you, started visualizing what a life could look like together. I let myself get lost in this.

One thing that I do when I am feeling muddled is to ask myself: what do I want? At times, I find that I have to ask the question over and over. But it helps me find some clarity. So I think, what I want is to do my best to let go of any expectations. I want to hold on to the belief that there was a purpose in our meeting. I want to be patient, to have faith that everything will fall into place as it is meant to be.

In the midst of this work that I am doing, and you, in the midst of your own courageous work, I would love it if we could keep communicating. Maybe we could talk once a week, if that feels right to you.

Creating a new path is brave and messy work….I long to be graceful, but the reality is, I just keep stumbling. Try to forgive the stumbling. And please know that I am incredibly grateful that you are suddenly in my life.

With love,
***

p.s. one more quote:
“The waves echo behind me. Patience…faith…openness...is what the sea has to teach. Simplicity…solitude…intermittency…but there are other beaches to explore. There are more shells to find. This is only the beginning.” –Anne Morrow Lindbergh

p.p.s. Just so you know, I haven’t written a long, rambling, soul bearing letter to anyone in quite some time either, which means….you are special too.