FWD: untitled

Okay, I'd love to talk to you beforehand. I would like to discuss what happened in an open and forgiving way, and I hope that we can both do some shadow work here. I also had a lot of trust issues with you. What I did (reading your journal) while involved with you was an extension of my own innate trust issues as well as trust issues I had at an increasing rate with you... and my own intuitions. Additionally the emails were read because they were left open on my computer. I'm sorry that I happened to see them. There was no content to them, just a memo of a dating site. I feel that we probably shouldn't have been involved with one another intimately at all the Summer you came back, at least not at the rate we were going without a solid trust based friendship. I not only went against my own intuition and will, but I was trying to determine if it was also against your own intuition and will in a dysfunctional fear based way....because I was unwilling to make my own choices with a fair share of rationality and intuition. So yeah, that's my side of the situation. And I take responsibility for that.

In terms of any current trust issues you have resulting from diary reading or me seeing your email open, that's not something I would do at this point. There would be no reason for that as there's nothing I would want to know... and even if there was I am not afraid to ask directly for the information. I am sorry that I was weak minded and didn't wait for you to come home. It was never something that I was plotting, but a very spontaneous action that resulted based on me seeing the owl card on your floor...and drawing a card again after shuffling and having it been the same card. I agree that this is not a valid response to drawing such a card and I apologize.

I don't even think I was as upset about what I read as I was about the whole dynamic of what we had. I just really realized I wanted to be free of everything... and free of my own mind's association with you as a partner as well. And I think everything...worked out relatively well for us both in the end...even though it took some thoughtless utter darkening of the light to get there. I'm not justifying my actions, but just placing them in a context and also reminding you that my actions did allow you to let go of me so you could enjoy your presence and your new ventures and meet another wonderful person. (-: Think how more tricky it could have been.

What I was most upset about was that I always felt that in your mind I was only a potential...or an option for you when to me you were a primary relationship that I wanted to develop deeper and to commit to. I think that it was a dysfunctional dynamic...and one that we both created. One of us is not free from responsibility there. The continuation of the dynamic was what brought our downfall as our dysfunctional shadows came to manipulate one another in dysfunction ways.

With this sort of shadow work out of the way... I feel I'm a place where this can't happen anymore. I am in a place where this has actually benefited me a lot because I've come to realize that I have been in both roles many times, particularly in the role of someone who's involved with someone as an option or someone to be involved with because I have a sexual or emotional desire yet not a desire to partner with them. I do feel that perhaps there are situations where it's okay to have a non partnering relationship but that those are few and far between and must be between two highly mutual individuals with a strong sense of trust and what we were together hadn't come to that point. We tried to jump the gun and missed the mark entirely and became a codependent relationship. I've come to a place where I will not do this to anyone, and I thank you and Andrew for this little piece of self actualization. With that said... and kept in mind, it makes it easier for me to really understand you and your dynamic within the relationship that we had.

Hope you understand. I just want to get this off my chest and than all will be within the laws of potentiality. (-: Yes this is all in the past now, however I believe time to all be interconnected and multidimensional in relation to our consciousness. I want to be present with you, but I do think we need to look at the dynamics for what we were and say... "hey, that won't happen again. I won't be in either of those roles." Not so much for you and I, but all relationships in general.at least that's what I take of it.
Love ***